Venting.

I don't understand why I stick around, for W. It makes no sence. I mean, he is gone. I am gone.Why do I? I guess I will always be that back up girl. Thats my life.

My Dad gets mad because I don't treat my StepMom like one. Like I don't even try to talk to her, we stay out of each others way. When I need something (like tampons) I'd rather have my sister drive 10 mintues and bring me some then ask her across the hall. Maybe its when I was little I miss the part of bonding. I had it with my Step Dad though, he is great!But as for my StepMom she is just a stranger.

I am getting my hair cut today, $40. My Dad said he would pay. He is always there for me, finaclly and all other ways. Really :) I love that about my Dad. As for my Mom, she is nothing but drama and annoyance in my life. Its tragic.

CurrentWeight:

Water: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Intake:

Outake:

I am going to get a haircut today, or make a appointment for one (: Yay. I am excited.

I am talking to W. Right now and we are talking about phones. Then it swiched to our Hator inside joke and stuff. Jesus, he can do anything to make me still have feelings for him. I hate it.

Why does this happen to me? Well its only happen twice, but still... This time its different. He actaully wants to talk to me and still be friends. I hurts.

Maybe, I dont miss Wesley. I miss what he use to be, I miss the feeling of confert, I miss the feeling of being loved, I miss the feeling I had all together, I miss feeling that I had when he held me, When he told me he loved me, when he kissed me. I miss that. I dont miss the fact that he doesnt talk to me anymore, he was the one who wanted to be friends...I mean I wanted it too, but I didnt think I could do it. Now I see it was him who couldnt. He doesnt know. Maybe its better if he doesnt know. I want him to see what he did to me, Not give me that shitty retuine that I am sure he has givin any other girl. I am tired of cry, I am tired, my heart is done... Its needs it rest. He cant just poppin in wheneven he wants. He just cant... he cant do that to me... He said he didnt want to hurt me then why does he keep re-opening my wonds?

I am sorry I cant spell, bare with me.

EDIT, 1248PM:

WATER:

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8

CW: 122LBS.
GW: 100lbs.

Only 22lbs til I reach my first goal. Yay. God why does it have to be soo far away.

Edit, 1:59: I am going out to eat with my Dad and Sister and Brother to Chilli's.

WATER (cups)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

CRUNCHES (sets)

10 10 10 10 10

Not to sure what I am doing today, my sister is picking me up and we are going from there. I dont know if I have the will power to do this again. I am weak, like always. Update later.

850PM: I am done wasting my time on Wesley. Its pointless. He is too rapped up in himself, I am done trying to put in the effort. He was on line, all fuckin day. I got nothing out of talking to him... He didnt try to talk to me or anything. I finally said Hey and we got through about 2 sentances and thats all. I am done. Thats it. I will move on, something better.. I need something better. I will get it.  I will.

CW: 124lbs.

I hate myself.

I need this again,

I know, I know. I haven't unpdated in a while... a long while. Anyways, life has been a rollercoaster.

I have currently done: hooked up with three guys at parties, Met my Boyfriend-of-2months at a party, drank almost every weekend for 3 months straight, had "sleepovers" with my boyfriend many many times, broke up with a boyfriend, played beerpongs more then I remeber, cut myself...again, Start(ing) driving school, moved to Californa. All in 2009, and I am sure there is more that I left out.

I use to weigh: 103lbs back in summer 2008, since moving from Texas to Germany I have gone up to a all high of 124lbs.

I distugst myself, everytime I look in the mirror. I wear baggy v-necks now. I hate my body. I have a belly button peircing now, and I hate to show up.

Hooking up, has killed my repuation in Germany. I am looking for a new start... In Californa.

I am looking to loose all the weight I gained, I want to lose 20lbs by the end up July. See the thing is that I look weight really fast once I start.

Starting my 500cal. diet again. Lets hope for the best.

Goals for tomorrow:

Morning: peach, or fruit.

Lunch: None

Dinner: Not sure yet,

I do plan on going for a run tomorrow, with my Dad's dog. He has been begging me for a while to take him on a walk/run and I plan too. My dad said 30mintues. I can do that, I use to have to all the time for PE.

2:33AM:
I am tired, I am beat down. I want to feel, feel happy again. I know, I know that I am weak. I dont feel strong unless...unless I have someone to make me feel wanted, love, needed and all of that. I hate that about myself.

I put up this mask, that I can handle being alone. That I dont feel... I've been told I am Cold, ColdHeartedBitch, black soul/heart,numb which I can not blame them; I am sure I am them. I want to feel, again. Now, I pretend... I pretend that getting hurt again isnt hurting me.

Wesley, mmm. He was something. I know, I had met him at a party. I tried to fuck him the first night, its because... I liked him from the moment he open his mouth and said something to me. I knew that night of the party I was just another girl to him, I was just a girl to fuck. Like I have always been. I have always been the girl who 'Loves easly, and will give anything' I hate that about myself. I hate that poeple say that... because its so true.

Back to Wesley, we dated May5-June24. I wanted us to work, I really did. I really wanted to believe that he would wait for me, and that I could too. He told me he loved me, but going through his textmessages I see that he use to tell a lot of girls he loved them.. I knew this, and I just let myself get hurt, I knew what was going to happen... Who do I have to blame?No one.
I just wanted someone to want me, even if it was in the worst way possible.

I am pathic, I know. Please, I need him again. I want him.
He is so over me, so easily. Maybe its the fact he is going to Collage and me, well I am just a Sophmore in High School. I am just another girl.

I told him "Your not going to want me..." with tears swellin in my eyes. He told me, to my fuckin face "I will always want you, you are perfect... I am moving and not leaaving you"

Ha, the bullshit i believe. Fuck My Life.

Maybe, he will want me... when I am not a cow.

7:15PM.

I dont know, I ate.

BreakFast/Lunch: Fruit, a lot of it : 35cals.
Dinner: Salda, Chicken with no skin, fruit : 420cals.

Total: 455cals.

I stayed under my goal... 500cals. I am happy.

I talked to Wesley today, something I get happy from and also can make me feel depressed in a secound. Right when he makes me think that I should be done with him... Like I should stop putting myself through all of this, all of this pain. He says little things like I miss you, come to my bed, I wish you could be with me all other things like that.

Life is confusing. I know what I want.
I want to move to Californa, get a job, get my permit/liences <-- I am starting driving school July 13 for four days.

 I am excited, I want my life to be good again. I dont want to go back to the old school life I had ; hooking up, drinking, lying, smoking.

I dont know what I want... I lie. I dont know.